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About Me

 

Welcome!

Let me tell you a bit about myself…

I was born in Guatemala City, Guatemala, where I lived for the first 25 years of my life. As you can probably tell by my name, it sounds very German! I am the descendant of a German great-grandfather who moved to Guatemala in the early 1900’s. So I have influence of both Latin American and German styles of thinking, feeling and being (you will see what I mean when you meet me and spend some time with me!).

The German/European influence is probably what brought me back to Europe in 2006. I have lived in the South of England, in many towns, doing many jobs, since then.

I am now settled  in Brighton and Hove, which I love – I have access to the countryside, the city, the sea, and a melting pot of cultures and activities. This is where I have started my journey into Counselling Private Practice, as well as delving deeper into my love of languages and teaching – Spanish, English, Psychology, Counselling/Psychotherapy.

I really enjoy everything that I do, and I never do anything or continue doing something that I don’t enjoy and might cause me unhappiness or frustration. Of course I will see it through to the end and complete what I’ve started.

I don’t think I will ever get unhappy or frustrated with Counselling or Teaching, there is always something new to learn from books, training, but more importantly from my clients themselves.

It is such an honour to be allowed into people’s worlds and be there for the realisations – sometimes good, sometimes not so good – about themselves, their upbringing, their experiences, and see lasting change happen – gradually – so they can continue a happier, healthier life, with a more robust approach to challenges and whatever else life might bring.

I hope this allowed you to get to know me a bit better…do contact me if you want to know more or are looking for a Counsellor, Supervisor, Spanish/English Teacher!

 

Who are you in your relationship? (Moving Out Of The Drama Triangle)

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Hi, and welcome to part two of the Drama Triangle mini-series.

In the previous post we defined what each of the roles meant and what the individual in those particular roles might be thinking or doing.

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In order to improve your relationship, some things need to change.

Communication is key in relationships, so it’s a great place to start!

Neither the rescuer, the persecutor or the victim have good communication skills or good awareness of what they are saying or doing and how this affects their life and the people around them.

In this post, I’d like to leave you with some ideas of how to move out of those roles into healthier ones.

This is usually known as The empowerment triangle.

The word empowerment is key here, as it provides a way for each individual playing each role gets the knowledge and skills they need in order to get themselves into a healthier living position.


Let’s get right to it…


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From Rescuer to Coach


In order to stop feeling like you need to help without looking after yourself, in order to not get triggered when you see others being vulnerable, there are some strategies to use in order to still be compassionate and caring, without putting yourself last or doing things that aren’t really your responsibility.

Empowering those around you that you’d usually help or rescue, by verbally telling them that you care for them and that you trust in their ability to resolve and move forward from their current situation, will remove the burden from you whilst still allowing you to be helpful.

Move from  the fixer to the cheerleader.

Sometimes the best thing we can do when we see someone struggling is to listen to them.

Decide what is your responsibility and what isn’t. As a rescuer you’ll need to think about whether someone else’s problem is yours to solve or not.

Think about how you handle your own problems and situations.

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Do you let others resolve them for you or do you prefer to solve them in your own terms?

Setting boundaries on the time you spend helping others will allow you to look after yourself and realising that you also have needs to meet, whether that is through asking someone to listen to you or getting the support of friends or professionals, within reason (don’t let others fall into the rescuer role – although that’s their responsibility to sort out, not yours!)


From Victim to Thriver


A major step to take in order to move from victim to thriver, is the realisation that you have needs that you want to meet in order to live a healthier, better life.

You are valuable and valued.

You have strengths within you to achieve what you want.

You have people around you that you can rely on to help you get to where you want, in a healthy way that ensures your autonomy and allows you to be the best version of you that you can be.

The only one that stops you from getting the things you need and want is yourself.

Empower yourself to ask for what you need, as long as it doesn’t encroach on anyone else’s needs or boundaries.3

Find your own boundaries and find ways to cherish those things that you have, and add to that list as you go forward.


From Persecutor to Challenger


As we defined the persecutor in the previous post, they can be dominating, blame often and put others down. Anger and resentment can also take hold and lead to certain behaviours.

If you are in this role more often than not, maybe you can consider working through your anger and other emotions in a therapeutic setting.

This will allow you to differentiate between what’s within you and what is actually happening with the other person in your relationship.

Owning your own emotions will improve your way of thinking about yourself and your relationship, therefore improving the communication levels, as you are clearer on what is going on within you.

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Knowing that certain things are beyond your responsibility or remit to solve will also help you not believe that you know better and allow others to know best about their own lives.


Responsibility, reacting, acting, setting boundaries and knowing how to meet our needs is important.

Having healthy levels of communication and self-awareness will help us take what’s ours and let go of what isn’t. Balance is key when it comes to taking responsibility and helping others.

Sometimes things are our responsibility. Other times we must empower ourselves and those around us to take what’s ours and leave what isn’t.

I hope this post has helped you meditate on the behaviours that might impact on your health and on your relationships.


(Stephen Karpman, 1960; David Emerald, 2017)


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What to expect from Supervision – Boundaries

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As therapists, it is vital that we have a good support system in place for our professional and confidential work.

Personal therapy is one way in which we can get this support. Supervision is another, and it will be the focus of these posts.

In the next few months, I will talk a bit about 18 ways in which we should expect supervision to work for us.


I will discuss 18 things we should expect from our supervisory relationship in order to be accountable and working to a professional standard, for the sake of our practice, our profession, and most importantly, for the sake of our clients


Missed my previous posts?

Catch up here:

Containment and Holding Reflective Practice  * Autonomous Practice

Theoretical Grounding * Develop Self-Awareness * Working through tough times

Challenge how you work *Focusing on the Supervisee * Video: The Meaning of Supervision * Practice to a Safe Standard * Safe Space to Vent


Click here to visit my main supervision page.

Are you starting out in private practice?

Are you an experienced therapist looking for a new supervisory relationship?

To book supervision with me, do get in touch and I’ll be happy to set up an initial meeting.


Boundaries are a topic dear to my heart.

It’s important in our daily lives, but it takes a different scope when we talk about it in professional terms.


Boundaries in the therapeutic and supervisory realms are key to keeping both relationships safe and doing what they need to do, which is effecting positive and long-lasting change in our clients’ lives.

By supervisors challenging their supervisee’s boundary keeping and setting in the sessions, they are keeping the standards high, as well as teaching the supervisee to stick to the boundaries they know are important but might want to relax due to different dynamics in their relationships with clients.

Don’t get me wrong, we are all human.

Therapists and supervisors are human too.

Our training and personal therapy requirements (ongoing therapy after training feels important, whether you dip in and out or go regularly) raise our self-awareness, but there might always be blind spots that our supervisor might spot easier, looking from the outside.

Keeping to an ethical framework also helps us to keep to boundaries that keep the therapeutic relationship a safe space to work through life’s issues.

Some boundaries might relate to:

  • keeping to the 50-60 minutes and ending sessions on time.
  • keeping communication outside of sessions limited to discussing session times or rescheduling.
  • how much the therapist self-discloses in the counselling sessions.
  • what to do if you are in the same public spaces or find your profiles on social media.
  • how to deal with endings.
  • payment boundaries – before the session, on the day of the session.

What other boundaries do you feel are important in supervision and in the therapeutic space?


watch video for this post - supervision

Follow this link for a video describing this process.

Feel free to share it with your colleagues, supervisees, supervisors and others.


The more we talk about what supervision should be about, what it should cover, and how it should support therapists in their private practice, the better equipped we all will be, and we will provide the a better service to our clients


Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.


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#RandomActOfKindnessDay

medium_go_be_kind_art.jpgSunday 17th is #RandomActOfKindnessDay or #RAKDay.

Have a look at the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation website for more.


I found this awareness day particularly interesting because we take being kind for granted.

In my life, I know I know I do it too.

medium_be_kind_hh_dalai_lamaI might be grateful for someone being kind to me, but I forget to show them how thankful I am, and how much I appreciated it.

Or I might do something kind for someone and not realise how big of an impact I might have made on them.


This post really, is to think about and consider how much we can impact someone’s life with one good word or action.

It doesn’t have to be expensive or cost anything at all.

It doesn’t have to take hours or encroach on our already busy schedules.

one_note_to_selfSome kind things to do that won’t put us out of routine or what we need to do for ourselves:


smile at someone

buy a homeless person a bite to eat

listen to someone’s story (sometimes listening is more than enough!)

compliment someone

be happy for someone else’s achievements and show them how happy you are for them

call someone that you know might feel lonely

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invite someone for a cuppa

bite your tongue when something not nice wants to come out (find your therapist or vent about it in another way)


What other things have you done or have you had others do to you that have been kind?

Let me know in the comments!

 


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Who are you in your relationship? (The Drama Triangle)

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Hi, and welcome to this post, in which I’ll be touching on the topic relationships and who we are in our relationship.

I will be talking about how we view ourselves, our partner, and how we act in our relationship.

The way we act will ensure a better or worse experience, but it is not set in stone. We have the power to take control of what we do, what we say, and how we say it.

2Being aware of our behaviour patterns – both conscious and unconscious, will help us regroup and reframe our actions and our reactions to what our partner does or says.


In order to  guide you through this, I want to discuss the Drama Triangle (by Steven Karpman).

Of course, there are other ways to define what we do and say in our relationships, which is why I will be writing more posts on this topic, for example using Transactional Analysis, Genograms, Timelines and Psychodynamic theory (and others) to explain what might be happening in our relationships. The underlying theme will be that of communication – conscious or unconscious.

Karpman’s Drama Triangle categorises people into three behavioural realms:

  • Rescuer
  • Persecutor
  • Victim

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Each one of these has specific attitudes, behaviours, thoughts and reactions to the world and people around them.

 

Whether you feel identified with either of these as you read, don’t fret. These are not permanent. I will give you some ideas on how to move out of the drama triangle into a healthier pattern of behaviours and communication.

 


Let’s define each of these modes of being:

The Rescuer

A person that positions themselves as the rescuer are usually wanting to save someone else. This other is someone that is perceived as vulnerable, and will help out even when the help hasn’t been requested.

The rescuer will look after everyone else first and neglect themselves. If they are not actively taking on the roles and doing things to remedy someone else’s problem or worry, they feel guilty and even anious.

4The rescuer depends on the “victim” to feel connected to them, which also allows them to feel good about themselves.

Some identifying phrases:

“you need me to help you”

“you’re not ok, but I’ll fix you”

 

 


The Persecutor

Or the bully.

They are unaware of how powerful they can be, and they will use this in a destructive manner towards the victim or the rescuer.

5The persecutor can be very critical and make a habit of putting other people down; they are quick to blame and point fingers; they thrive on keeping their victim down and are driven by anger and resentment. They are also unable to open their mind to alternative ideas, can be bossy and dominating.

Some identifying phrases:

“this is your fault”

“you’re not ok but I am, so do what I say”


The Victim

The victim is vulnerable and unable take responsibility for the position they’ve taken in life. They are often overwhelmed by this, but they will refuse to get professional help or look after themselves.

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Part of the vulnerability of the victim is feeling oppressed, hopeless, powerless, incapable, misunderstood and a sense of shame.

The victim will seek a rescuer to confirm their need for help.

Some identifying phrases:

“poor me”

“i’m not ok, everyone else is ok”


Did you identify yourself with either of these?

In relationships, we can move from one to the other, depending on the situation and how we are feeling. It also depends on the dynamics of our relationship.

These positions are neither effective nor functional. Nobody gets what they need or want. Not really. Reality is skewed.

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Can you pin-point more clearly who you are or have been at different points in your relationships?

 

Are you thinking of improving your relationship by moving out of the victim, rescuer or persecutor roles?

It might be tricky to move out of either position as we might have been in this position for a long time.

It is by no means impossible though.


Small steps will lead to success in behaving in a healthier way and learning how to communicate our needs and feelings will be important to counteract the forces that want to pull us back in to the drama triangle.

It is only when we acknowledge and are aware of what position we are in, that we can begin to change it.

You might now have a clearer view of who you have been in your relationships in the past.

The question now is – who do you want to be in your relationship?

Moving out of the drama triangle into a healthier way of being will be the subject of next week’s blog post. 

For now, I leave you with this quote:


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How to talk about mental health stigma #TimeToTalk2019

tea-twitter-01This week’s post was prompted by Time to Change, who take the lead in the fight to end mental health discrimination and stigma. So today, I want to join in the movement by writing this blog post, as well as sharing on Social Media to get even more attention placed on this important topic.

Heads Together, a charity set up by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry, is also active in working on removing the stigma around mental health.

There are many other charities and organisations that also deal with this very important topic. Here are links to three of them.


Mind

Scattergood Foundation

MentalHealth.Org

#timetotalk   #TimeToTalkDay


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It takes guts to accept to ourselves when we are not feeling quite right with our mental health. It is even more difficult to accept it to our friends, family or even a therapist.

Drop in the added bonus of being looked at as [insert negative adjectives here] and also discriminated at work or your local community because your illness isn’t visible and you are probably exaggerating or making it up anyway, right?

 

    • Frees us to be authentic, honest and real with ourselves and others about how we are really feeling and what we are willing to do about it.
    • Challenges others to view mental health problems in a different light, and allowing more conversations to happen
    • From the two above stems the fact that relationships can improve and become more supportive as a result of these difficult conversations
    • Helps challenge the stereotypes that exist when someone mentions mental health problems
      • People with mental health problems are unpredictable
      • People with mental health problems are dangerous
      • People with mental health problems are incompetent
      • You are to blame for your mental health problems
      • There is no hope for recovery
      • (click here to read more) http://www.scattergoodfoundation.org
    • The chance of recovery increases significantly once the person is honest with themselves, and the support system is in place – more understanding family, friends, employers, and seeking professional help even if for a short time.

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  • Seeing someone talk about their mental health problems in an open and honest way will help normalise what ill mental health actually means
    • “if my friend has it, and I’ve known him/her all my life, then mental health can affect all of us.”
    • “actually I’ve felt my mental health dwindle in the past but have been afraid to have the conversations”
    • “I know him/her and wouldn’t say they’re unpredictable, dangerous, incompetent or that they brought it on themselves, or that there is no hope for recovery. My friend’s mental health problem challenges my view on mental health.”
  • tttd-2019screensavers07Mental ill health should be a topic of conversation as simple as physical ill health topics of conversation.
    • It is much easier to call in sick at work and say something like “I broke my leg and will need some time to recover” than “I feel so anxious today that I’m unable to get up from bed”.
    • It probably hurts just as bad – physically, psychologically and emotionally – to break your leg than to feel anxious or depressed.
      • The difference is one is quantifiable and visible, whilst the other isn’t.
      • It doesn’t mean that one exists and the other doesn’t or that one should be taken more seriously and with more compassion than the other.

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I feel blessed to live in this day and age where, even though mental health stigma and discrimination still exists, it is easier for it to be challenged and views changed about it. There are even laws and white papers created that protect people with mental health issues from being discriminated (See The Mental Health Act 1983 and The Equality Act 2010).

As a mental health practitioner, I value the conversation about mental health and overwhelming life situations that stop us on our tracks and/or hinder our everyday life. It is a privilege to listen to people’s stories and help them work through their difficult feelings, thoughts and behaviours that, so that eventually (sooner than later – it all depends on each person’s individual journey and process) they can get their lives back on track.

tttd-2019screensavers06Whether I see clients for 6 sessions, 3 months, a year, two years, three years or more, I trust that they have the strengths and resources within them and within their support group to help them get back on track. I trust in the therapeutic process and that together in the counselling room we can work through, process, understand, feel and think what needs to be worked through, processed, understood, felt and thought of so the person can move forward.


I believe in allowing our feelings to come out – I often use the phrase “out is better than in”, which is definitely applicable for getting your anger, sadness, upset, and any other feelings, out. Keeping them in might make us mentally ill but also physically ill or make it difficult for us to heal our emotional and psychological wounds.


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Something that I find is useful for certain things but not as a therapeutic tool, are mental health diagnoses. I don’t underestimate a diagnosis (such as depression or bipolar disorder), but I won’t treat my client as a depressed person or a bipolar person. I will treat the person as a whole, and talk about whatever they bring on a particular session. I find this is more helpful and has felt like a relief to some clients. Yes they keep their diagnosis and the medication they might be taking, but they are not treated like a part of themselves or like the only thing they are is that depressed or that bipolar side of them.


There are a few things that definitely won’t work and will do more harm than good when talking to someone that’s telling you about their difficulties with their mental health:

  • “go have a nap or a bath, you’ll feel better after”
  • “I’m sure it’s not that bad, you’re a bit dramatic”
  • “Aw, just get over it”
  • “you are just doing it for attention”
  • “you have mental health problems, therefore you are weak and broken”
  • “it could be worse”
  • “someone is worse off than you”
  • “I know exactly how you feel”
  • “go do something to distract you”
  • “stop being lazy”

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I want to end this post on a positive note. So, how can you support someone with mental health problems? It doesn’t have to be a massive thing. As you can see above, words can have a massive impact. Try these:

  • “you are not alone, I’m here for you”
  • “I’m listening”
  • “what can I do to help”
  • “have you tried talking to a counsellor”
  • “I understand if you want to be on your own, but I’ll be here when you’re ready to hang out”
  • “I believe you, I believe you are struggling”

I hope this post has been helpful and has challenged you in regards to mental health stigma and discrimination. Do share this post and the links I’ve left around the post, so others can have this conversation as well!


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Looking After Young Carers’ Mental Health (#youngcarersawarenessday #mentalhealth)

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Hi, and welcome to this week’s blog post!

 

Today I’d like to talk about Mental health in regards to young carers.

 

This is also the focus of this year’s young carers’ awareness day (read more here).


If you are a young carer, do read until the end, or skip to the end for some tips on how you can look after yourself while doing this great job for your loved one!


CarersWeek.Org mentions that the statistics point towards three in five of us becoming unpaid carers at some point in our lives. This could be short term or long term, depending on what the person we look after is struggling with.


I have worked as a paid support worker for the past 11 years, and from personal experience or watching my colleagues, I can say that it has impacted on our physical and mental health.

It is a very rewarding job, which is why I’ve been doing it for so long. But some of the consequences are similar to those of unpaid carers, but unpaid carers have so much more stacked up against them.


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Let me point out the similarities first:


  • Aches and pains – particularly back troubles, but sometimes we might get hurt due to challenging behaviours (bites, being hit, things thrown at us) or moving in a way that leads to sprained ankles and other things. Some of my colleagues have chronic physical ailments that might mean they have to be extra careful when they do their job, and in turn the job will affect how they do things, but as carers we sometimes forget that we are important too.

  • Headaches and/or Stomach problems- due to pressures about getting it right with someone’s mental health, ensuring the people we look after are getting out in the community, getting their medication right all the time, dealing with other professionals, and dealing with the bureaucracies and policies of the agency we work for.

  • Advocacy roles – sometimes we need to step up and speak up for those who can’t or who are not able to “shout the loudest” which is the only way to get the support they need. It takes a village, and sometimes we are that village!

  • Mental health can be affected due to the things mentioned above.

  • Sometimes we will be having our meal on the job and we have to stand up mid-way to get the people we support something, which will lead to indigestion or worse. We need to remember ourselves, but it’s hard when there’s an obvious need in front of us!


OK, so those are some similarities between paid and unpaid carers.

These might be exacerbated by their pre-existing living circumstances and the consequences of becoming an unpaid carer.

Don’t get me wrong, it is rewarding to care for someone, see them smile or be able to achieve something with your help. But the reality is, there is a real impact.


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Let’s add to the list of unpaid carers the following:


 

  • The lack of income from their carer role impacts on their lives and can lead to them living in poverty or at least their quality of life and wellbeing being compromised due to lack of time or ability to earn a full time living.

  • Benefits might be hard to get going due to different reasons, which migh also impact on this. (Note, I’m writing this in regards to unpaid/paid carers in the UK. In other countries, there is no such things as benefits, so the money issues are further emphasised in these places).

  • The fact that they are doing the job without much training, unpaid carers might just fall into the role of carers out of need and proximity to the person in need. They might have a parent or sibling that has a disability or suddenly falls ill, is growing old or develops debilitating mental health issues.

  • Not having training or support in this way might mean they are doing the best they can, but they might not know the best way to look after their loved one, and much less how to look after themselves.


I hope these lists of effects from caring roles – paid or unpaid – gives you a bit more insight into the amount of emotional, physical and psychological energy that goes into caring for those in need of support with their daily lives.


I now leave you with some tips into how to look after yourself and your mental health whilst having unpaid carer responsibilities:


 

  • Get the book today, and get these lovely printables to support your self-care throughout the year! (1)

    Find out what support and training is out there.

  • Find people in your life that will become your support network, whether it means just having a cup of tea to talk over things with a friend, or more professional support like respite or psychological therapies to take the edge off and to help you carry on doing your role well and safely.

    • This network can be just friends and family, or also professionals as in the list above.
  • Self-care planning is very important.

    • Join support groups like the one I run on facebook

    • Get a self-care book (there are many great resources out there!)

    • Get a planner for your self-care activities. These don’t have to take a long time or be expensive.

      • Read my blog posts on these here.

      • You can take ten minutes out of your day to go for a short walk and take in the fresh air, see pretty trees, animals, and other things that you enjoy looking at.

      • Play your favourite music while making lunch or supporting someone with their personal care. You can both enjoy that, I’m sure!

        Book Review Here

      • Remember that you are also important and that you also need looking after and time to do the things that you enjoy.

      • Find a hobby you forgot about and re-start that.

      • Make yourself your favourite drink.

      • Have a bath or go swimming.

      • Read a book.

      • Practice meditation and/or mindfulness.

      • Find other things that work for you that are not already on this list. Self-care is very personal and individual to each of us!


Join in the Events and activities for carers week by clicking here! 


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What to expect from Supervision – Safe Space to Vent

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As therapists, it is vital that we have a good support system in place for our professional and confidential work.

Personal therapy is one way in which we can get this support. Supervision is another, and it will be the focus of these posts.

In the next few months, I will talk a bit about 18 ways in which we should expect supervision to work for us.


I will discuss 18 things we should expect from our supervisory relationship in order to be accountable and working to a professional standard, for the sake of our practice, our profession, and most importantly, for the sake of our clients


Missed my previous posts?

Catch up here:

Containment and Holding Reflective Practice  * Autonomous Practice

Theoretical Grounding * Develop Self-Awareness * Working through tough times

Challenge how you work *Focusing on the Supervisee * Video: The Meaning of Supervision * Practice to a Safe Standard


Click here to visit my main supervision page.

Are you starting out in private practice?

Are you an experienced therapist looking for a new supervisory relationship?

To book supervision with me, do get in touch and I’ll be happy to set up an initial meeting.


Having a safe space to vent is important in more ways than one.

As therapists, we’ve gone through the process of going to regular therapy as part of our course requirements.

If your course didn’t have this as a requirement, and you’re going to practice without having had personal therapy, I urge you to attend.

It is in your personal process that you have the emotional growth and experience of what your clients might feel sitting in the client’s chair.

It is in therapy that we learn about ourselves, our blind spots, and where we start to separate what’s ours from what are actually other people’s beliefs, emotions, thoughts, reactions.

This, in turn helps us when working with our clients, as we will have worked on ourselves and can both be an example and a grounded and safe person to talk to about very difficult things.

Our therapy is our space to vent.

But it’s not the only space to vent we can use in our profession, where we can’t really talk about what goes on in sessions for ethical, moral and confidentiality reasons.

The supervisory relationship is another opportunity to work through our difficult emotions with clients, and even discuss how our current life situations are affecting us and our work.

It is important to be open and honest with ourselves and our supervisor.

This will bring a new dimension of awareness and growth in our practice that will not only benefit us, but it will cross over to how we work with clients, and in turn impact on them too.

I am a firm believer that things communicate even if we never say a word about them (unconscious to unconscious communication in psychodynamic terms).

Our clients will sense whether we have unfinished business to deal with within ourselves, and how we are dealing with it.

Setting an example for our clients might be our first aim in using therapy and supervision as a safe space to vent, but in the long run it will benefit us as practitioners and as human beings.


 

watch video for this post - supervision

Follow this link for a video describing this process.

Feel free to share it with your colleagues, supervisees, supervisors and others.


The more we talk about what supervision should be about, what it should cover, and how it should support therapists in their private practice, the better equipped we all will be, and we will provide the a better service to our clients


Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.


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